The following are some of the books that I often encourage my clients to read while enrolled in counseling. I encourage couples to read these books out-loud to  each other, one chapter at a time, and discuss the content with each other. I ask them to do this for two reasons: 1) to have conversations they might not otherwise have due to the subject matter, and 2) to also intentionally spend time together working on their relationship - purposeful quality time.  I recommend these books in particular because it is my opinion that they are one of the best for their specific subject, but like any books, are not definitive works on the subject.

***Book descriptions come from Amazon.com.***

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Communication

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard Harley

     Book Description: Marriage works only when each spouse takes the time to consider the other's needs and strives to meet them. In His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses. He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs. The revised anniversary edition of His Needs, Her Needs is a celebration of how the book has helped thousands of couples revitalize their marriages during the last fifteen years. This best-seller identifies the causes of marital difficulties and instructs couples on how to prevent them, guiding them to build a relationship that sustains romance and increases intimacy. With today's soaring divorce rate and prevalence of affairs, Harley's insights are needed more than ever before.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

    Book Description: Heralded by the New York Times and Time magazine as the couple therapy with the highest rate of success, Emotionally Focused Therapy works because it views the love relationship as an attachment bond. This idea, once controversial, is now supported by science, and has become widely popular among therapists around the world. In HOLD ME TIGHT, Dr. Sue Johnson presents Emotionally Focused Therapy to the general public for the first time. Johnson teaches that the way to save and enrich a relationship is to reestablish safe emotional connection and preserve the attachment bond. With this in mind, she focuses on key moments in a relationship-from Recognizing the Demon Dialogue to Revisiting a Rocky Moment-and uses them as touchpoints for seven healing conversations. Through case studies from her practice, illuminating advice, and practical exercises, couples will learn how to nurture their relationships and ensure a lifetime of love.

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

      Book Description: In order to call themselves good people, many have drawn overly flexible boundaries (unwilling to say no, always accommodating others' needs) or overly rigid boundaries (to the point of being righteous and judgmental). Psychologists and inspirational speakers Cloud and Townsend show readers how to set reasonable boundaries in order to follow the true path of Christianity. This book has become immensely popular, most likely because it makes personal boundaries easier to define and is filled with spiritual purpose. Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us, mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts, emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God's will from our own.

 

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman

     Book Description: Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages, believes Dr. Gary Chapman. While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, he identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one. Some husbands or wives may crave focused attention; another needs regular praise. Gifts are highly important to one spouse, while another sees fixing a leaky faucet, ironing a shirt, or cooking a meal as filling their "love tank." Some partners might find physical touch makes them feel valued: holding hands, giving back rubs, and sexual contact. Chapman illustrates each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice.

How do you discover your spouse’s – and your own – love language? Chapman’s short questionnaires are one of several ways to find out.  Although some readers may find choosing to love a spouse that they no longer even like –hoping the feelings of affection will follow later– a difficult concept to swallow, Chapman promises that the results will be worth the effort. "Love is a choice," says Chapman. "And either partner can start the process today." --Cindy Crosby.

 

Sex and Intimacy 

Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage, Third Edition by Ed  and Gaye Wheat

     Book Description: Intended For Pleasure is an easy-to-read reference book that has been revised and expanded in its third edition. Ed and Gaye Wheat, along with their medical associate Dow Pursley, combine biblical teaching on love and marriage with the latest medical information on sex and sexuality. Drawing on years of experience in counseling couples, the authors have updated each chapter, adding information on contraceptives and a new chapter on sexually transmitted diseases, clarifying information on AIDS, herpes, HPV infection, and gonorrhea. Intended For Pleasure gently encourages the married couple to make their sexual relationship the fulfilling experience it was meant to be. This is a complete sex manual for practicing Christians with basic facts, illustrations and candid discussion of all facets of human sexuality. Intended For Pleasure is highly recommended reading for newlyweds and an excellent resource for pastors and marriage counselors.

The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner Davis

    Book Description: In contrast to its tabloid title, The Sex-Starved Marriage offers candid and sensible counsel for couples with mismatched libidos. Seasoned sex therapist Michele Weiner-Davis skewers two stereotypes about sex in marriage. First, she jettisons the idea that husbands are hot and wives are not, giving examples of "low-desire" men in her practice. Next, she upends the longstanding model of sexual response and advises readers: "Just do it. Desire is a decision. Once the low-interest partner allows him/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger a strong desire to continue being sexual." The strength of her approach to the causes of sexual stalemate lies in her insights about the struggles of both partners. Her suggestions (how to break the ice, how to court your partner, nag busting, and the Hallmark solution) are not gimmicky and are presented as techniques for couples, not individuals. Weakened only by a final chapter--one that discloses too many details about the author’s marriage--this perceptive book will inspire couples to add heat and light to their marriage.

101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples by Laura Corn

     Book Description: "Is your sex life perfect?" challenges Laura Corn in the introduction to her delightful and unique 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex. If the title, with its guarantee of "grrreat sex twice a week, every week, for one full year!" won't tempt you, the packaging will. Like the cover says, "Go ahead, tear this book up.... please!" Intriguingly packaged, 101 Nights is reminiscent of the book-in-plain-brown-wrapper, except in this case each page is sealed; no peeking! Once a week, according to 101's instructions, each lover picks a sealed page (with scenarios such as "Up Against the Wall," "Angel with a Lariat," "Fire down Below," and "Point of No Return") and tears it out of the book, keeping it a secret. Follow the scenario and, throughout the week, expect any number of erotic surprises.

We let life get in the way of love, Laura Corn states, and worries in the way of wonder. At the heart of this book is the assertion that surprise and anticipation rekindle passion: "This is not like some new diet, where you're expected to simply change your lifestyle overnight. Here, you'll learn by doing--slowly, gradually, month by month. And because you're doing it often--every week, remember, for a whole year--you'll actually turn interesting, exhilarating, unpredictable sex into a habit, and not just a special event."

There are 50 secret seductions written for his eyes only and 50 written for hers. His seductions begin with playful ways of not just getting her in the mood, but making her breathless with anticipation. Hers begin with the revelation of "Marilyn Monroe's sensual bedroom secret that drove her lovers wild (and caused JFK's toes to curl!)."  All it takes is a commitment to play and, well, to tear up the book. 101 Nights does all the rest, including lists of ingredients (massage oil, silk scarf, champagne,etc.) as well as terse tips culled from 54 of the bestselling books in the field. Loaded with recipes for licentious loving, 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex gives lovers permission to sin with the safety of a script and a fun way to palpate the old passion.

Every Man's Battle: Winning the war on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time by Arteburn and Stoeker

    Book Description: The challenge every man faces...the fight every man can win! From movies and television, to print media and the Internet, men are constantly faced with the assault of sensual images. It is impossible to avoid such temptations... but, thankfully, not impossible to confront them and gain victory over them!

Millions have found Every Man’s Battle the single greatest resource for overcoming the struggle and remaining strong in the face of temptation. With extensive updates for a new generation, this phenomenal bestseller shares the stories of dozens who have escaped the trap of sexual immorality and presents a practical, detailed plan for any man who desires sexual integrity.

Includes a comprehensive workbook and a special section for women, designed to help them understand and support the men they love.

Money and Financial Management 

The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness by Dave Ramsey

     Book Description: "Winning at money is 80 percent behavior and 20 percent head knowledge." So states Ramsey, author and radio show host, offering a comprehensive plan to get out of debt and achieve financial fitness. Our current financial position represents the sum total of the decisions we've made to this point, he tells us, and we must take personal responsibility for our financial problems. His seven-step plan includes paying off all debts except the home mortgage at an accelerated speed, creating a financial safety net that covers three to six months' expenses, investing 15 percent of income in a retirement fund, and saving for children's college expenses. He effectively shows how regular people can rid themselves of debt and grow their wealth using current income. While many of Ramsey's concepts are not new, his simple approach and client testimonials will resonate with a broad range of library patrons. This is important information in a society buried in debt, with unprecedented numbers of people facing bankruptcy.

Radio talk-show host and bestselling author Ramsey (Financial Peace) is less a financial analyst and more of a preacher, which explains both his popularity and the appeal of this book, which just might gain a wide audience. The bedrock of his system is simple: work hard, pay what you owe and stay out of debt. His main commandment is "Pay cash." He first exhorts the reader to take "baby steps," which are designed to build on each other: first, save $1,000 as an emergency fund; then, pay off all debts from smallest to largest; save a larger three-to-six-month emergency fund; finally, start to save for college and pay off your home mortgage. Ramsey understands the difficulty in putting these steps into action, and therefore packs his book with personal testimonials from everyday people who have used his system and have become debt free, with obvious struggles. The key is what Ramsey calls "Gazelle intensity," which is to live a financial life the way a gazelle saves itself from an attacking cheetah-"outmaneuver the enemy and run for your life." While Ramsey provides some helpful charts and graphs so readers can keep track of their efforts to follow his steps, the strength of this book is that it is a straightforward motivational tool. He provides the brutally direct truth about the hard work it takes to become free of debt, and his directness is a great part of the book's charm.

 

The Blessed Life by Robert Morris

     Book Description: This book will transform your life for the better, bringing you guaranteed financial results. But it will do more than that. It will change every area of your life: marriage, family, health and relationships. For when God changes your heart from selfishness to generosity, every part of your life-journey is affected. If all believers followed the practical guidance of The Blessed Life, every church could be built, every nation would have an abundance of missionaries—and all would reap the benefits of having a generous heart. With humor, passion and clarity, Robert Morris presents the secrets of living a blessed life both financially and spiritually.
About the Author: ROBERT MORRIS is the senior pastor of Gateway Church in Southlake, Texas. He is a gifted communicator with over 20 years of experience imparting biblical principles on prosperity and personal growth. His passionate, practical and often humorous presentation touches believers and impacts even the unchurched. Pastor Robert resides in Texas with his wife and three children.

Gender & Spirituality

Tender Warrior: Every Man's Purpose, Every Woman's Dream, Every Child's Hope by Stu Weber

     Book Description: Leader. Protector. Friend. Lover. God made you to be each of these…and much more. Stu Weber ’s bestseller, now revised throughout and refreshed with an attractive new look, paints a dramatic and compelling picture of balanced manhood according to God’s vision. Written in a warm, personal style, Weber presents the characteristics of tender warriors—including learning to speak the language of women, watching out for what lies ahead, and keeping commitments—in an upfront, straightforward style that challenges readers to realize God’s plan for men.
Some Things Are Worth Fighting For
Young men aspire to it. Women admire it. Yet the definition of manhood itself is obscured by a culture in moral free fall. This book cuts through the fog and defines a powerful blueprint for being the man—the Tender Warrior—that God desires for you and your family. You’ll discover that a Tender Warrior: watches out for what lies ahead—like a wagon train scout; keeps his commitments, no matter how painful; has a tender heart beating beneath his armor; understands his responsibility to his wife, children, and friends; recognizes that he is “under orders from higher headquarters.” Stu Weber ’s now classic teaching on a man’s vigilance, staying power, and consideration for the women in his life will move you to pursue the man you were created to be.
Real Men Are Tender Warriors
“I drank Budweiser, smoked Marlboros, and chased women…. Tender Warrior sent me deeper into my heart and soul. When I finished it, I passed it on to a friend, who was supposed to give it back but passed it on to someone else. This book changed his life. It knocked down the walls around his heart. His response: ‘The most important thing that has happened in my life started when you sent me that book.’”

The Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell

    Book Description: Rob Bell, pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, Mich., offers an innovative and intriguing, if uneven, first book. This introduction to the Christian faith is definitely outside the usual evangelical box. Bell wants to offer "a fresh take on Jesus"—a riff that begins with the assertion that Jesus wanted to "call people to live in tune with reality" and that he "had no use for religion." Bell invites seekers into a Christianity that has room for doubts (his church recently hosted an evening where doubters were invited to ask their hardest, most challenging questions). He mocks literalists whose faith seems to depend on a six-day creation, and one of his favorite people is a woman who turned up repeatedly at his church, only to tell him that she totally disagreed with his teachings. He cites his church as a place of forgiveness, mystery, community and transformation. Bell is well-versed in Jewish teachings and draws from rabbinic wisdom and stories freely. His casual, hip tone can grate at times, and his footnotes, instructing readers to drop everything and read the books that have influenced him, grow old. Still, this is faithful, creative Christianity, and Gen-Xers especially will find Bell a welcome guide to the Christian faith.

 

Captivating: A Guided Journal: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Staci Eldredge

     Book Description: Every little girl has dreams of being rescued by the hero, of being swept away into a great adventure, of being the beautiful princess. Sadly, when women grow up, they are taught to be tough, efficient, and independent. Many Christian women are tired, struggling under the weight of the pressure to be a "good servant," a nurturing caregiver, passionate lover, or capable home manager.

What the Wild at Heart Field Manual did for men, the Captivating: A Guided Journal can do for women. By revealing the three distinctly female desires every woman shares, John and Stasi Eldredge invite participants to recover their feminine hearts, which may have suffered many wounds but were originally defined in the image of a passionate God.   

Crazy Love  & The Forgotten God by Francis Chan

    Book Description: Crazy Love: Chan, senior pastor of Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley, Calif., offers a radical call for evangelicals to consider and emulate in this debut guide to living crazy for God. Chan's own life compels him to live with urgency, and with good reason. His mother died giving birth to him, his stepmother died when he was nine, and his dad when he was 12. As a pastor, Chan says that conducting weekly funerals for people younger than himself has likewise sobered him to life's unexpectedness and frailty. Chan writes with infectious exuberance, challenging Christians to take the Bible seriously. He describes at length the sorry state of lukewarm Christians who strive for a life characterized by control, safety and an absence of suffering. In stark contrast, the book offers real-life accounts of believers who have given all—time, money, health, even their lives—in obedience to Christ's call.Chan also recounts his own attempts to live crazy by significantly downsizing his home and giving away his resources to the poor.Earnest Christians will find valuable take-home lessons from Chan's excellent book.

       Book Description: The Forgotten God: The author of the bestselling Crazy Love pleads passionately for the church to live by the power of the forgotten God: the Holy Spirit. Calling Christians to more than just a better life, Chan says he wants to live a life unexplainable without the Holy Spirit, so dependent on the Spirit that, he says, if he doesn't come through, I'm screwed. He offers vivid personal stories and illustrations about how the church ought to help Christians discern the powerful gifts of the Spirit, rather than toning down radicals. Biographies of people keeping in step with the Spirit conclude each chapter. Not a comprehensive study but intended for application, it consequently lacks depth of context in most Bible references. Ultimately, though, this serves Chan's aim to end ceaseless talk and follow God's lead to assist the poor, the abused and anyone without hope. Chan himself has given all royalties from Crazy Love to a ministry to children trapped in sex trafficking, explaining that God said to him, I want you to love them as your own children. Chan's voice is fresh, earthy and fiery.

Parenting & Children

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish

     Book Description: Get your kids' cooperation...without arguing. Morning hassles and bedtime battles disappear when you apply the communication techniques these experts have been teaching parents nationwide. Even if you've felt you had no other alternative than to lecture or criticize, you'll be able to reduce the wear and tear on yourself and your family with this practical program. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish -- once frustrated mothers themselves -- use real-life situations to show how you can respect and respond to your child's feelings and satisfy your own needs.

You'll learn to: Avoid turning simple conversations into arguments Instruct rather than criticize when correcting your child Choose effective alternatives to punishment Show your child how to make amends Allow him to experience the direct consequences of his actions

See immediate changes in your relationship with your children -- changes that will mean the difference between bad feelings and good ones; between fighting and loving.

On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam

Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay

     Book Description: Psychiatrist Cline and educator Fay's "Love and Logic" parenting method advocates raising responsible children through practice. "Helicopter" parents hover around their children while "drill sergeant" parents give orders to theirs, they claim. Neither of these styles permits children to learn how to make choices and learn from the consequences. The result is that as early as adolescence these children too often make bad decisions. In the context of a healthy, loving relationship, "Love and Logic" parents teach their children responsibility and the logic of life by solving their own problems, providing skills for coping in the real world. After laying out the principles of "Love and Logic," the authors provide "parenting pearls," which are strategies for applying the method to actual situations such as back-seat battles in the car, homework, and keeping bedrooms clean. The narration, performed by Tim Kenney and Bert Gurule, is clear and energetic.