Relationships with other people are hard. At first glance, this idea may sound simplistic, but the fact remains that no matter what kind of relationship you are thinking of right now, making that relationship great takes work...sometimes alot of work. Whether we're talking about parents and children, coworkers, siblings, spouses, or friends, at some point in that relationship there are going to be differences. Unresolved differences often lead to conflict. And conflict that isn't productive leaves us dealing with problems and feelings that do not generally go away by themselves, and generally worsen over time. However, it usually isn't for our lack of effort or looking for solutions that this occurs. Sometimes our circumstances are just so overwhelming that we cannot see how to make the changes that are necessary to find resolution.

        These problems with conflict exist in our very nature. We humans want what we want, when and how we want it. And when we add other people's needs and wants into that equation, what we often get as part of the bargain is conflict. Not all conflict is earth-shattering, however, like talking about what to have for dinner: "I really don't want Chinese take-out again. That's the third time in two weeks!". Other times though, when an issue has been around awhile, the conversation about it can feel completely unmanageable: "We have been married for 11 years now, and even after all this time, there are times when I feel like I barely know you. Why can't you just open up a little? Why are we still just strangers sharing a house?"

       Truthfully, it usually isn't the subject of the conflict itself that is really the problem in our relationships. If you could peel the outer layer of most conflict away, what you would see is the all the stuff that comes up inside of us as a result of the disagreements we have with those closest to us. And when we don't deal with that "stuff" or when we act as though it isn't there, the "stuff" stays and we feel as though the wind has really been knocked out of our sails.  This is true whether the issue is trust, frustration, anxiety or depression, feeling connected, differing values, intimacy, sex, or just basic communication. 

      Even the people who have been working at their relationships the longest will tell you that there were times when it took every ounce of resolve and determination they had to just stay involved and interested in fixing the problems they had with other people. The truth is that love is an ACTION BEFORE it is a feeling! You have to DO things to make love last. And sometimes, when we feel like we can barely hang on, and arguing constitues the majority of our communication with this other person, we have no idea what else to do to get the love back. This is where therapy becomes absolutely essential and immensely valuable. It is a way of taking a step back from the heaviness of our conflicts and finding different things to do to step back TOWARDS each other, instead of taking further steps away.

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