What does it mean to be a man...a real man? That is the question we have been asking ourselves since time began. Men have perhaps more frequently been asking this question in the last two decades, but are looking for a different set of answers than those we have always been given. We WRESTLE with what it means to be a provider, a husband, a protector, a leader, a father, and a man. We struggle with what it looks like to be tough and sensitive, strong and tender, warrior and lover, provider and helper. In the midst of all of these seeming opposites how do we define ourselves in ways that still allow us to be who we are at our core, but that also work practically in the context of our marriages, our jobs, and the raising of our children?

       More and more, I am encountering men who tell me that when something doesn't go the way they planned at work or at home, their first and immediate response more often than they wish is pure anger, and sometimes rage and even violence. Why is this? We see these men on the news, in our churches, on our favorite sports teams, and sometimes we see them at home in the bathroom mirror. Why are we men so ANGRY, and who are we really angry AT? The answer to this question is sometimes as difficult to pin down as the one I asked above - what it means to be a man. 

     There is some link between these two questions that we sometimes don't pull apart or disect. Since we work so hard at being "manly", whatever that means to each of us, and since we are told from the time we are able to walk to "be a man", what we often do is (sometimes accidentally/unconsciously) copy the things our father or grandfather did, or perhaps what we see our friends do, or what we see on television. If we leave these thoughts and  behaviors unexamined, we risk doing things that are unhealthy for no better reason than that is what we grew up with or just don't know any better. If you find that when you are upset, and you do things that surprise, embarrass or even scare you, or if your behavior is negatively affecting someone else in your life, maybe its time to dig in a little deeper, and take a real, honest look at this issue.

      When I look at these emotions and responses in the context of a marriage, a family, and/or a job, what I often see are guys who are angry at the fact that they aren't who they really want to be - who they are at their core level. Life has turned out different than the way they imagined it in high school or college, or before they got married, or before they had kids. In any case, they aren't where they want to be in many of their relationships or in life in general and they don't know why this is or what to do about it.

      In therapy I regularly ask the question, "If you were able to be FULLY real, who would you be with your wife, with your kids, with your family members, with your coworkers? Who would you REALLY want to be?" The answer I often get back is that this person would be doing a lot of things differently if they were living as their true selves, or if they just felt like they had more self-control. Anger, frustration, dissappointment, sadness, depression...these feelings all mask the ways that we can be genuine  -  how we can be fully ourselves. And generally, it isn't so much that these men are truly angry at their circumstances; it is just that they don't know what else to do. The angry, loud response is just one of those things they've always done. But that can change. You can, with time, practice, and awareness, become the man you truly want to be.

      If you need help with your relationships or with your self, even if its uncomfortable, I can help you take a look at this. It will make a difference to the way you live your life, and what you see when you look in that bathroom mirror. The time is now. You, your wife, your children, and all the people that matter in your life will benefit. The question to you is, "Do you want something different from what you have right now, and what are you willing to DO about it?" When you boil it down, just like the idea in physics, when you make a consistent change in one part of a system, is automatically creates change in other parts of that system. And in relationships, the principle holds true, and it is to that end that I will help you work on the things that YOU can change.